Singleness: You know me.

I can't shake this thought. It's 1am and I'm absolutely burdened with this, and so I switched on my lamp and began to write things down in my personal journal. However, a stirring in my soul told me this wasn't something just for me. Some things were meant to be shared.

I turn nineteen on Sunday. It's a reality that hasn't yet hit me, and I don't really know what to do with it. But basically, I'm pretty well nineteen years old and I am single - a relationship status that has been a constant in my life bar one or two fleeting "relationships" in my high school years. This singleness seemed to plague my self esteem with thoughts such as, "If I were good enough - I wouldn't be single." and, "If I was better looking, boys would like me."mand, "If I wasn't so loud, over-confident, and whatever, someone would have taken me by now." I was led on quite a few times. Each time, a belief that I wasn't good enough was confirmed in my heart. Now, I can't honestly that I'm 100% healed from that - it's definitely a journey and it's one that I am happily walking with all the trials and triumphs that come with it. What I can honestly say, is that every day I'm teaching myself that I'm called out by an incredible God who actually cares enough about me to listen to my heart. He knows me. Stefany Rizzell at Bethel Church sings these words so prophetically and profoundly, 

"You know when I rise, and when I fall. When I come or go - You see it all. You hung the stars, and you moved the sea... and still You know me." 

The stars in the sky, the billions, the galaxies... The vastness of it all - yet He knows you, and He knows me. Jeremiah 29:11 speaks of the purpose that God has for us, that He delicately formed us within an expectant mother - a woman designed to nurture and love us in the same way that God nurtures and loves.

How does this tie in to singleness though? I love my rhetorical questions - haha. It does, because it shows that there is purpose for you, and there is purpose for me. Isaiah 43 says that God called us by name - He redeemed us by a grace that surpasses understanding. Psalms is filled with songs of despair where King David cried out to God for help - and help was delivered. See, singleness can be testing. This is one thing I know, being single can challenge the self esteem - and that is exactly why one should stay single. The time we have as a single being is fleeting, and it gives each and every one of us  the opportunity to work on ourselves, to become whole in who we are as people that another person doesn't bring us completion - but instead brings their own wholeness, and together wholeness can be shared and celebrated.

I know quite well that within myself, I'm really and truly not ready for another person to be welcomed into the deepest areas of my heart and soul. I'm working on my self faith, I'm working on my love for God. I'm working to become the woman that the man I will one day marry so deserves. I challenge you to do the same. Instead of expecting Mr Right... work on yourself to become Miss Right! (And vice versa, men) See, you were created beautifully. You were handcrafted by a perfect God - there is no mistake about you, irrespective of how you came into this world, you're the age you're meant to be, the height you're meant to be, every single thing about you that you can't change, is perfect. And I'm learning to accept that as truth about myself too.

God loves me. I am working to love myself. Singleness is an underrated blessing, and I don't want to hurry God, I don't want to get into anything prematurely. Everyday I'm realising more and more that my singleness is a blessing not a curse... A challenge isn't a bad thing. So thank You God for blessing me with the opportunity to become the person I need to be, You're the best.

"Nothing is hidden from Your sight. Wherever I go, You find me. You know every detail of my life, 'cause You are God and You don't miss a thing."

Success V Failure.

I'm a Uni student. I'm an employee. I'm a daughter. I'm a sister. I'm a friend. I'm a member of a church. I'm a youth leader. I'm a worshipper. I'm one of those people who pressures themselves into doing more than what is humanly possible.

So what is success? Is it personal satisfaction? Is it fulfilling the needs of others? Is it wealth? Is it good looks? Is it recognition from others? Is it fame? Is it having it all together? To be honest, I don't know. In my mind, for me to be successful I need to be able to work 40 hours a week, get distinctions on all of my assignments, be committed in all areas at church and complete all these tasks without batting an eyelash. But if we're being honest, that's unrealistic. There's not enough hours in the week to complete all of those tasks, to a high standard, whilst still maintaining a level head and a healthy amount of sleep every night. Currently, I'm meant to be preparing for my exams but I'm taking a few minutes to ease my mind and write down what's flooding my thoughts. I'm freaked out. I don't know if I know the content well enough to pass as I haven't been listening to enough of my lectures, and I have read all of the texts that have been assigned to me. Rookie. Move. Being honest, I don't know what I'm going to do. The idea of failure scares me. Repeating a semester that's costing me more money than I've had in my life is just terrifying.

So, what is success? Ps. Steven Furtick from Elevation Church in North Carolina put it like this: "Just because in your eyes something has failed, doesn't mean it didn't work exactly the way God intended it to." No, I don't want to fail the semester. However, I need to keep my eyes on the prize. I feel called to study what I'm studying, and I have no doubt that if I put in all the effort I possibly can, God will guide me and get me through it. Psalm 23 says He leads me by still waters, it says I'll never be in want. So even though my course is expensive, He's got it covered - whether I pass or fail the semester, He knows exactly where I need to go in life, and He's going to make sure I get there. All I need to do is remember that, and turn it all over to Him and trust Him with my whole heart.

I still haven't answered the question.

What. Is. Success.

Is there really a definition for success? (Yes, there is. Dictionary.com tells us that, in case you were wondering) But at the same time, while yeah there is a definitive answer for what success is, it doesn't actually tell anyone what personal success looks like. The dictionary is never, ever going to tell you what your success is. What I need to remember is that I can't please everyone, all the time. I need to remember what God has put on my heart and called me to. I need to remember that there's a purpose for everything, and all I can do is my best. God has defined my success. He has called me by name (Isaiah 43:1-4), He knows where I'm at.

Success, for me, looks like this:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6.

Trust. Submit. It'll all be okay.

(Failure isn't the end of the world, it's sometimes a necessary bump in the road to get you to success.)

"What's done is done."

The past is a fact, it's not an excuse.

Sit on that for a second. Because I bet you, like me, read that first line and thought, "that's cool." or you didn't take it in at all. The first time I didn't take it in at all. The second I said, "that's cool." Then the third, I realised exactly what that means. Every time I go through something and I react to it, my first reaction is to say these words, "Yeah, but, in the past...." And I doubt I'm the only one. "Yeah, but in the past, I got bullied." "Yeah, but in the past, I had my trust broken." "Yeah, but in the past, my friends didn't support me." Yeah, but in the future, you're going to wish you had controlled your issues instead of letting them control you. In the future, you'll suffer the consequences of sweeping what hurts you now under the carpet. In the future, you'll look back and see all that time you wasted on something that shouldn't have had time wasted on it at all.

The past has happened. It's done. It's gone. It's over. Whether you like it or not, you can't change that. No amount of what if's or if I just's or whatever will change the past. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, and for those who already figured that out, sorry for being Captain Obvious.

You want to know what you, and you alone have the power to change?
You guessed it;

Your future.

I've heard it preached that if one is to stare too long in the rearview mirror, they'll crash their car. That's why the rearview mirror is small, yet the windscreen large. You're meant to be primarily looking forward, only checking behind you momentarily from time to time. So why spend more time looking back than looking forward? You've got a future, there's hope for you, there's so much that life has to offer and you need to reach for it. Don't wait for that person to apologise, don't wait for everyone else to start getting their act together, just get up and work for yourself. Do what makes you happy, and forget whatever you've done in the past.

Learn from your mistakes, hold your head up high, and stop making excuses. Look positively to the future and enjoy a brighter present.

What's done is done.